Starting out...again

I've made a decision.  I'm taking a chance, on myself.  Through the years I've made many inroads and have found myself back in this place on the spiral of me.  The burning question - is it a question?  Or is it kindled in fear...If I move away all the layers of who I think I am, what I think I am supposed to be doing, how I have learned to adapt and behave - what will be left?  This is the me I am terrified and curious to know.  I honestly cannot look back on my life and say with sincerity that I have ever know who "me" is.  This leaves me with an empty feeling - I feel adrift in my own life.  I have made many choices and taken many risks.  I have proven my courage over and over again - yet I still feel fragmented.  How does this manifest?  Feelings of exhaustion, sadness, anxiety, anger, resentment, disassociation, exclusion and isolation.  I feel alone. I have learned to play the game - to "buck up" and put on my big girl pants.  I can smile and converse - offer support and encouragement.  But, at the end of the day, I feel empty.  I am tentatively determined to find my innermost core and to move from this place in my life. A steady state. I have a belief that it is there - that there must be some solidity in the center of flux.  I must have hope - for that is all I have. 

 To live free from the neurotic bonds that generate feelings of self loathing and mistrust of self - that is my goal.  From this place - I believe I may finally be able to fall in love with myself.  Much as I did my son when I held him in my arms.  Warm, soft, tender, vulnerable.  So easy to love - love in it's fullest expression. A wonder. 

 I am having my initial interview with a life coach on Wednesday.  This blog is a place where I will record my experiences as I chart my course to me.